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Submitted on
April 8, 2013
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I
was a
fawn caught in
headlights;

you
were
 a 
boulder on the
shoreline - ghost in my dreams that's still breathing
                                                               W                                                           G
                                                                    I                        a                          R
                                                                        T                                           I
                                                                            H                                   P
                                                                               that keeps pulling me in.

Your sheets                         and your
                                                                        bed                                  smell
                                                                          like                              fume
                                                                              and  turpentine  and  are

still
cold
to
the
touch.

                                                 The                      are                     than                       remember
                                                                stars                 brighter                        I

Though the ocean has never seemed deeper,
wave  after  wave  crashing  over me.  They
drench from head to toe, and I've never been
much of a sailor.    Heaven's gates are under
water,  but  I'd swim to the moon to see you
again.  I don't know if I can  tread  water,
because  I'm  just  a fawn  caught  in
headlights. And you're an alien
limboing in memories,
something I'll never
forget.
I'm fairly satisfied with the end product. I sat on the idea of this one for quite a time and couldn't seem to figure out a proper way to format it.

Here's hoping it's pleasing to you people.
:iconfingerscrossedplz:

And have a listen to this if you feel like it www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWOBvT…

We Weren't All Meant to be RebelsWith hearts of
burning
passion and
worthy
aspirations
With boldly ventured
crusades
led by
unworthy
causes
With childish
visions of glory
wrought by
stories of
grand
heroes
With hope for
a new era
conquered through
death and
blood and
fire.
The DiaryTraitor. I confessed
Everything to you.
My deepest fears

Revealed; my dark
Mind unveiled. I
Expected as much—

The blank expression,
The wordless chiding.
But not this.

Not this…nothing.
Don't just stare.
Say something! I'd

Rather you yell
Than avoid me.
But you wouldn't

Confront me. They
Found out our
Little secrets—the

Ones only you
Knew. They tortured
You until you

Divulged my story;
Ratted me out.
Traitor. I trusted

You. But I
Know your weakness.
See, you'll always

Be mine. And
To punish you,
I'll throw you

In
The
Fire.
IdentityDrunkenly stumbling, never fully awake.
Wash. Rinse. Repeating these old audiotapes.
You build corners out of souvenirs
To stand in after the rain. You
Would like to stay dry, but the roof is
                                full
                                       of
                                              holes.
I enjoy B-movies with enemies
While two-faced friends poison my bubbly.
Superstitions are instinct, and you wear
Crosses to keep the vampires away, only
Praying in secret when you fear Hell's
                                fire
 
I Wrote This One For YouYou'd want bouquets
Beside rivers and
Streetlights on boulevards
And licking battered
Fingers as an
Ode to broken
Dreams.
Ink AmmunitionChildren should unclog their ears
To be rid of all the S
                          H
                          I
                          T                                                 That's rotting in their minds.
Today, it's cool to be uncool,
(Geek is the new chic)
And they make themselves bleed
For the sake of poetry.
Look at me:
Part of the disease.
I'm a little misfit hanging on a crucifix.


Children need to grow up
And stop wallowing in this P
                                   H
                   


fav.me/d60ykfj
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-05-02
Open Sea by *4sauce4 is an amazingly crafted piece of concrete poetry with many visual and textual interpretations. What do you see? ( Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconaliaseclectic:
AliasEclectic Jan 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
whoa, this is awesome! lessons for Apollinaire
Reply
:iconfeatherwings1638:
FeatherWings1638 Jan 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
WOW
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, the title fits in so well with the openness of the piece itself in its layout.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

This is a difficult piece to critique for two reasons:
1) Its layout and interpretation
2) The DD (well deserved) received subsequently to this piece being submitted to us

However, the one point that confused me is the part about the stars. Having to go to the "I" which is lower than the rest of the text doesn't click in my brain.

Other than that I love the shape of this piece, the way it looks like a boat at the bottom, but is also open for interpretation.

A well-deserved DD. Congratulation.

Jo
Reply
:iconblackbird-999:
It reminds me a little of Lewis Carols mouse tail in Alice in Wonderland.
Reply
:icon4sauce4:
4sauce4 Aug 22, 2013  Student Writer
Interesting :)
Reply
:iconachained-owl:
this masterpiece is a direction in which i hope to sail one day. i smiled when i heard the song you suggested because i was in a ambience kind of mood (dont know if i say that right, English is not my native language). definitely a beautifull piece of work.
Reply
:icon4sauce4:
4sauce4 May 19, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you very much. :) I hope we all find ourselves on those horizons across the sea eventually.
Reply
:iconclockchat:
It's curious; Mile Zero seemed to me like a good song on its own, but went in a completely different direction, feeling-wise, to what I felt after reading this. My mind gave it more of a serene, peaceful atmosphere, while Periphery's song was anything but ... and yet, I'd say that gave it a whole other perspective. Imagining this boat made of emotions, memories, melancholy, and optimism, shake with the furious forces of a rainstorm, but still going forward, steering forward because it was so masterfully constructed with the strength of your writing, a writing that's never empty, that's always built to last, to invoke deep emotions on whoever reads it, and this time, the presentation makes it clearer than ever; to take a dive in your gallery, looking for a piece that's got quality, soul, and all the ingredients that makes enjoyable literature ... that's smooth sailing.

Thanks for the new song in my iPod. And the new member of My Favorites.
Reply
:icon4sauce4:
4sauce4 May 13, 2013  Student Writer
"In death we grieve until all have transcended from this realm; in time we will meet again" and "Left to journey alone, but I can find my way back home" are the lyrics from the song that best represent the theme of my poem, I think. Periphery is just so much more eloquent than I can ever hope to be. :bucktooth:

It all comes down to finding it within ourselves to move on passed the grieving and heartache no matter what has caused it for us. I don't think we ever really "get over" our losses. We'll still be shocked by them; we'll still drown in them from time to time. We'll remember them in the dead of night or in line at the grocery store buying booze and trident gum.

Like you said, the boat is made up of a storm of emotions and memories, but as long as it's steady, we can keep sailing these trying seas, coping with the losses through tears or no tears, through days of silent agony or long walks in the park or building castles on the beach. It'll never be easy of glamorous, but whatever it is, we can get through it.

I've missed your comments, Clock. I really have. :)
Reply
:icontubefed:
tubefed May 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Okay, I read this when it came out as a DD, was extremely impressed, but didn't have time to comment. I didn't realize it was your's. o^e

...Anywho, lovely lovely, m'dear--I see an arrow (or maybe a ship or an anchor.) This is a very well-deserving DD.
Reply
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